A First

A bit overwhelming for a first time, but it was a changing experience.

Regrets, grudges, frustration, hopelessness. "God can't love me." "I've made too many mistakes." "I'm going to hell." They have little to nothing. Their hearts are heavy, carrying a lifetime of burden and debts that they refuse to forgive. There is bitterness and stubbornness. They hate their families. They hate the wars they've served. But they also care very much. There is kindness, and whether they truly believe or not, there is openness to faith. Their eyes, tired; their faces lined by the creases of years; and their voices, soft and barely audible. (I strained my ears trying to pick up on key words and shifted to reading their lips in order to confirm my guesses, as I simultaneously badgered myself for using earphones too much.) The men we spoke with, they were in their fifties, sixties, I think. They don't have much to say, but they had so much to give..simply by exemplifying the human condition and sharing words of wisdom accumulated over the years. One man, in his state of destitute, had the kind heart to tell us that "education is everything"...to stay in school...to learn as much as one can. As the man tapped his forehead, he reminded us that knowledge was everything. Some of us might disagree and answer that education is not everything. Rather, God is. That our spiritual life weighs more than all that knowledge could provide. But his words had a special place in my heart. His words were powerful. He echoed the exact phrases my parents repeated to me in each stage of growing up: "Without knowledge, you are nothing." It is the words a parent tells a child. And I could not not be moved by such reminders, from a complete stranger, what's more, a man whom I perhaps would have been afraid to look at not long ago. He reminded me of all that I've taken for granted. In a way that I cannot fully explain, he made me appreciate the long nights I will spend working, using my brain, keeping my mind sharp. I hope that I shall never hear myself complain about the work that I have to do, because of what this man has said. I have nothing to offer him, except a sandwich and a bottle of water. But I pray that God will hear his prayers. That is perhaps is all that I can do.

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"I'll be all right. I'll be all right." He kept saying. He does not believe God will forgive him for what he has done or will do. He does not believe that God can possibly ever love him. He does not believe that Jesus died for his sins, my sins. And he cannot comprehend that we've all offended God as much as he has. But he sees better days. "I'll be all right, " he says again. In a way, I feel like he was reminding himself of the hope he has, but he also reminded me of the hope that each of us has. His name was David. I don't know his background; I don't know his life story, but his name comes from the Bible...from one of the greatest stories of God's triumph. He says that there is no changing his hardened heart, no changing his mind, no turning back from the path he's chosen. It's hard to convince him that God is greater than any of his thoughts and actions. It's difficult to be persuasive when, as the old Asian saying goes, "the salt he's eaten is more than the bread I've eaten." And in the end, I was helpless. Impotent. Weak and incapable. I could do nothing to change this man's mind, not in a mere hour, no. And the only thing, I realized, that I could do was to pray. And few times have I really prayed for something. Few times have I realized the magnitude of what was needed. I wanted change for this man so much. I did not have anything to give. I could not offer any practical suggestions. I was very much at a loss for words. I could do nothing for him, but to listen. I realized too that listening I could not even do well, since I could not hear him parts of the time. There is so much to pray for. There is everything to pray for. If we prayed for everything in the world that needs praying, there'll be no end to prayer. David said it'll take more than a miracle to change him. Having been saved by God, I no longer doubt God's greatness. I do not doubt God's ability. I believe in miracles. But I do pray that God is willing...that it is indeed in His plan to save him. Everything in God's time, right? I pray that until the day God meets him just where he is, David will continue to hold onto the hope he has. I hope he gets his miracle. I really, really do.

There is everything to be thankful for. There is everything to pray for. If we really understood the urgency of the matter, we'd realize that there is so much, so much to be done. And that even giving all of ourselves may not be enough, so how can we give any less?


- rena