Suffering

I don't want this to be centered around my pain, but I can't help but extrapolate and connect the suffering I've been through these past few weeks with what the men and women we minister to also undergo.

Oftentimes, it doesn't make sense.  God, why would you afflict me with something that prevents me from doing the work you called me to?  From attending services at the church you've called me to?  From going to classes to further my understanding of the majors you've called me to?  From even being awake enough to have a loving conversation with someone?

Perhaps the most difficult thing about my condition (unpredictable episodes of intense fatigue and widespread pain, irritability, memory loss, sensitivity to light, etc) is that I have no idea what caused it and no idea how to fix it.  For several weeks, I analyzed every second leading up to the first episode, when I had chest pain that felt like an asthma or heart attack.  But I don't have asthma; I'm an active, 20-year-old vegetarian...  I've had my blood tested for everything.  Nothing.

I've had to conclude one thing: this is the consequence of sin.  I am experiencing more directly than most the decree God rendered against a fallen world. 

 ¹⁸ Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. ¹⁹ For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. ²⁰ Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, ²¹ the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. ²² For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. ²⁴ We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. ²⁵ But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.) --Romans 8:18-25

That's right-- my suffering, your suffering, their suffering is all against our will, all due to God's curse.  And why are we cursed?  Because of how repulsive, horrific, ghastly, disgusting, and revolting sin is!  In God's infinite perfection, their is no room for even a pondering of sin.

And all I can think is, What kind of pitiful creature am I to stand before the infinity of a perfect, holy God, and moan?

Yet, we, as children of God, are not hopeless.  We have that "foretaste of glory."  Every kind of pain and suffering we experience now are the birth pains before God delivers us.  And we will be delivered.  The very goodness that condemns us is the same goodness that guarantees his promise of deliverence.

In such a broken, hurting world, how cruel we would be to hide this hope!  How utterly selfish to hold back what we believe (if we so earnestly believe it) and let those who do not know the Truth writhe in agony!

My prayer now is that every moment of suffering I endure draws me closer to my Savior, the only one who can release us from the very curse he subjected us to, and that I can catch others along the way in my eagerness to hope.

(P.S.  I drew a lot of this from a couple sermons by John Piper.  They are really refreshing for the Easter season: Subjected to Futility in Hope: Part 1.  And don't forget part 2!)

God is faithful

I can’t believe that this was my last actual Diakonos outing. I wish I had more time with our ministry team and also with the homeless. This outing really reminded me of why I joined Diakonos in the first place – to trust in God. I signed up because I was convicted to take a leap of faith. And it was a pretty big leap because I could hardly speak English, I had some bad experience with some homeless people and I was (am still) awkward with strangers. But I trusted in God to use me regardless of my abilities. Today I was convicted to trust in God to change lives regardless of others’ circumstances.

Albs and I ran into this guy called Mike who was struggling with alcohol. He never quite realized that he was an alcoholic until it was too late. He ended up losing his job. Despite knowing how alcohol can only pull him further down, he relied on it to run away from reality. More so than ever he was addicted to it. As I listened to him talking about his family and his work, I sensed that deep down Mike really wanted everything to go back to where it used to be – with his wife and his children. But then he was so helpless; he couldn’t do anything to fix his own life. Running out of ideas of what to do, he used alcohol as an outlet. We invited him to pray with us at first, and he refused to come because he thought that he was not worthy or not good enough. But then he decided to join after a bit and let us pray for him.

I would like to think that he gained strength after receiving prayer to fight the temptation. At least he wasn’t so adamant about falling back to alcohol again. He told us that He really needed the prayer and He would try to seek God again and start praying. He told me he was willing to try to be sober. I noticed how he said “try to” all the time. I know that he doesn’t have full conviction and the strength to do this but I know part of him is moved. The seed is planted. With situations like this, I can only pray for faith to trust in God to work in Mike’s life. Mike has some really good friends too who are willing to pray with him and hopefully can keep him accountable and help him persevere through this period. God is faithful even though we are faithless. I really believe that God is moving in Mike somehow. If you are reading this, please keep Mike in your prayers.


<3<3<3

"The food will give them physical nutrition. The love and affection which you show, will give them mental nutrition."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_3BEwpv0dM

don't chart me

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet Tony in Love Park. Tony is man in his 50s, smart, well-spoken, and possesses an infectious smile. As I tried to share the Gospel with him, everything made me think that we would really hit it off. We began by talking about "lighter subjects": sports, Philly, the weather. However, as I began to ask him about his religious beliefs, I felt an immediate guardedness on his end.

Do you go to church?

Yeah, I've been, but I haven't been in a while.

Do you believe in Jesus?

- Yes.

Do you believe you have salvation after you die?

- I don't like being charted.

Each question I asked triggered greater defensiveness. In the end, Tony's conclusion was that I was "charting" him. Another word for "charting": judging. I think this is an obstacle that a lot of Christians face as they share their faith with others - especially when ministering to the homeless, who are often associated with such terms as "pitiful," "hopeless," "self-destructive." In any mercy ministry, it's easy to look down on others, even if we don't mean to. A prayer for us all: God, help us to be humble so that we may be used by you.

Lessons

We met a woman in a head-covering that symbolized her faith in Islam. I feel terrible for forgetting her name but I think her name was Aileen. I asked her a few questions about her faith to get to know more about what she believed and why she believed it. At first, she wasn't too responsive but over a bit of time she began to open up and talk more. I don't know why she opened up but I think it was because she may have felt that we would genuinely listen to her. She seemed to know where we were coming from. She knew about the Gospel, that Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man, entered time and space as we know it to fulfill the mystery of the Gospel so that the selfish can stand before the selfless without facing the consequences. In turn, I asked her how to achieve salvation in the Islamic faith and she told me that she did not know because she was still learning. At that moment, I wondered why she believed in her faith. The practical purpose of any major faith like Islam, Judaism or Hinduism is to achieve salvation. To take on a faith without knowing how to achieve salvation in that faith is kind of like jumping into a random car that you don't know where its going. I don't know why she calls herself Muslim without knowing the practical purpose of that faith. I found it rather amazing that she could latch onto something without knowing a key component to it. And it leads me to wonder whether other people are the same in a similar way. I wondered whether we latch onto things even though we don't know the consequences of those things or even critical components that we ought to know about.

Afterward, another man named William who went by the name of Country came over. Aileen and her sister called him over because they thought well of him and they thought that we might enjoy him. He was a very passionate preacher in our faith. He said many wise phrases but the one that stuck out to me was his personal story about how he spent most of his life running away from God. He told us that God never gave up on him but that made me think whether I was running away from God. Another thing that stood out for me was how much he understood God's holiness. We all read about how God is holy but I think some people are shaken up or life-directionally transformed by it more so than others. I just felt that his heart was more open to the Will of God in such a way that allowed him to supernaturally perceive a little more of God's holiness in ways that I fell very short of. This was another reminder for me to repent and earnestly seek God's face all the more in the midst of my complacency and self-idolatry.

On the one hand, we met someone who recognized the sin in and around himself to worship and glorify God. On the other, we met someone who latched onto a faith, the apparent basics of which she did not understand. In light of the former case, I wonder whether she was also running away from God, that in her case it was not so much about latching onto something else as it was about choosing anything but submitting to God. I see a part of myself in the latter case as I continue to strive to deny myself to live like the former.

Perspective

College is deceiving. It takes your entire world, and shrinks it into a little bubble that encompasses the town or city that the college is located in. Communication with the outside world is limited to a thin stream of media: a phone call from your parents, the occasional glance at the newspaper, reading an article online, watching the news on TV, an email to a high school friend, a picture in a textbook. Occasionally, we leave the bubble to experience something new. Whether it's going home for Thanksgiving, going to some other state to intern over summer, spending quality time at the beach with friends during spring break, or traveling to an exotic country over winter break, at the end of the day, like homing pigeons, we return to the safety of our campuses. Our problems shrink to focusing on doing well in school, having a good time, making close friends, preparing for the "real world". Slowly, from the moment we set foot as college students in our respective campuses, our minds are fed the illusion of the college life. Some enjoy the challenges of the classroom. Others enjoy the close proximity and availability of friends and companions. The venturous individuals choose to pursue experience and thrill of trying new things and challenging themselves. As a sign in my freshmen dorm stated: If it wasn't for academics, college would be the ideal life to live. But probably what shatters the college illusion (at least for me), is the poverty and the crime in Philadelphia. How many individuals have I come across who had asked me for 80 cents? How many people have I come across where I have looked down upon them due to their pitiful nature? How many times have I thought how hopeless these people seem to be?

I live in a college illusion. I enjoy the luxury of having friends living in close proximity to me and to have access to a number of amazing resources (including gyms, restaurants, libraries, etc.). My grades have risen to a high priority in my life and nearly all of my stress stems from academia and school work. I have to admit that when I go out with Diakonos, there are a number of individuals whom I continue to feel a sad hopelessness due to their lack of interest to rise out of their positions. But every so often, I meet an individual who truly has the spark of life within them. I see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices, Give me a chance and it is then that my college illusion shatters. To see people who are in true and desperate need, who seek for an opportunity or a chance to improve their living situations, who have not become apathetic to their situations, it is those individuals that encourage me not to give up serving the poor and the weak. It's those individuals who give me the encouragement that there is still hope among those in need and that there are still people striving to live with purpose. And it is this encouragement that allows me to look at my own life with a larger perspective; to see the chaos of harsh reality: natural disasters, hunger, war.

And when I am encouraged in such a way, my problems don't seem nearly as important anymore. I begin to more clearly see how blessed I am and how God has provided me with so many things. I get a glimpse of the world outside college and I am reminded:

"Be very careful then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." - Ephesians 5:15-16

Hi Diakonos,

So this week's outing was really interesting because I saw how God works to build relationships within the homeless community. Jenny, Kathryn and I first ran into Joe and Antonio, and the two of them were like best friends - joking around, punching each other playfully, sharing food..etc. But the smiles on their faces were so geniune it's like when they have each other life weighs a lot lighter on them. Afterwards we walked to the other side of the station and ran into Cherl (?) and this Spanish-speaking guy(I didnt catch his name though). Cherl couldn't speak Spanish at all but then the two of them would still have "conversations". The man would say something in Spanish and Cherl would nod and signal ok even though he didnt have the slightest idea what that guy had just said. For a while Jenny and I thought that they were actually communicating. I think these two men are just there to keep each other company.

I reflected upon that and I realized how important it must be to not just have acquaintance in the homeless community, but actual friends. No matter how hard we try, we can't possibly be there for the people 24/7 and sometimes we would even forget the names of the people we talked to. While we try to provide for them physically, it is hard for us to really take care of them emotionally (and spiritually). I think that God has blessed some of these men with real friendship so that these people can find identity and value through these relationships. Knowing how easily people can get bitter about their circumstances and thus lose trust in others, selfless or geninue friendship must be rare. But then seeing both relationships between Joe and Antonio and between Cherl and Spanish guy have been a blessing to me 'cause I saw God's mercy and provision.