on repeat

"Talking never got nobody nowhere."  He kept repeating that, every time we reached a difficult point in the conversation.  "You bring out your sandwiches, your warm bottles of water... but you can't get us out of here.  No one can.  Nothing can."

"I don't think it can happen overnight..."

"I've had people come out here and pray for me for three years... ain't fixed anything.  I'm still in the same situation."

"Change takes time..."

"Three years is long enough."

Déjà vu. I've had this same conversation with this same man before.  We may be sitting in the cool air of the fountain of Philadelphia's name-sake park tonight, but he's lower than he was when I first met him in the underground concourse-- a kind of oxymoronic homeless village.  Not only is he homeless, he is hopeless.  He's beyond feeling desperate; he's clinging to nothing but despair.

"I may have never been homeless, but I've been through my own 'situations' and difficulties... they're different, I know, but the struggle is the same..."

"You'd have to be homeless to know what it's like."

"I realize that, but what I'm saying is maybe it's not the situation, maybe it's something deeper than that, beyond the physical.  Maybe it is a spiritual thing.  Maybe the situation is with you, not with 'this.'"

Hit and sink.  Here was this fifty-year-old black man, happily enjoying the night air and a little food.  He didn't mind sitting alone, picking through his thoughts.  But then comes this Christian, this ideal-driven college brat, thinking she can pray for him and love him and and tell him that his life is in shambles because he can't bear to look at his own soul.  Who does she think she is to downsize his three years of agony into some sort of spiritual shenanigan?

He threw his backpack over a shoulder and poured out his water into one of those pathetic cement pots clogging up the middle of the park.  He said something, similar to same sad lines he'd had on repeat before.  I replied and said his name, thinking that'd make my own refrain stick harder, "K--, I hope you get out of this.  I hope to see you happy some day."

God, I really do.  If I can't accomplish anything, let me at least hope.  May he learn to hope too.

thank you guys

your posts have been a blessing to read. keep shining the light in philly!

-albert (from korea)

A First

A bit overwhelming for a first time, but it was a changing experience.

Regrets, grudges, frustration, hopelessness. "God can't love me." "I've made too many mistakes." "I'm going to hell." They have little to nothing. Their hearts are heavy, carrying a lifetime of burden and debts that they refuse to forgive. There is bitterness and stubbornness. They hate their families. They hate the wars they've served. But they also care very much. There is kindness, and whether they truly believe or not, there is openness to faith. Their eyes, tired; their faces lined by the creases of years; and their voices, soft and barely audible. (I strained my ears trying to pick up on key words and shifted to reading their lips in order to confirm my guesses, as I simultaneously badgered myself for using earphones too much.) The men we spoke with, they were in their fifties, sixties, I think. They don't have much to say, but they had so much to give..simply by exemplifying the human condition and sharing words of wisdom accumulated over the years. One man, in his state of destitute, had the kind heart to tell us that "education is everything"...to stay in school...to learn as much as one can. As the man tapped his forehead, he reminded us that knowledge was everything. Some of us might disagree and answer that education is not everything. Rather, God is. That our spiritual life weighs more than all that knowledge could provide. But his words had a special place in my heart. His words were powerful. He echoed the exact phrases my parents repeated to me in each stage of growing up: "Without knowledge, you are nothing." It is the words a parent tells a child. And I could not not be moved by such reminders, from a complete stranger, what's more, a man whom I perhaps would have been afraid to look at not long ago. He reminded me of all that I've taken for granted. In a way that I cannot fully explain, he made me appreciate the long nights I will spend working, using my brain, keeping my mind sharp. I hope that I shall never hear myself complain about the work that I have to do, because of what this man has said. I have nothing to offer him, except a sandwich and a bottle of water. But I pray that God will hear his prayers. That is perhaps is all that I can do.

**********

"I'll be all right. I'll be all right." He kept saying. He does not believe God will forgive him for what he has done or will do. He does not believe that God can possibly ever love him. He does not believe that Jesus died for his sins, my sins. And he cannot comprehend that we've all offended God as much as he has. But he sees better days. "I'll be all right, " he says again. In a way, I feel like he was reminding himself of the hope he has, but he also reminded me of the hope that each of us has. His name was David. I don't know his background; I don't know his life story, but his name comes from the Bible...from one of the greatest stories of God's triumph. He says that there is no changing his hardened heart, no changing his mind, no turning back from the path he's chosen. It's hard to convince him that God is greater than any of his thoughts and actions. It's difficult to be persuasive when, as the old Asian saying goes, "the salt he's eaten is more than the bread I've eaten." And in the end, I was helpless. Impotent. Weak and incapable. I could do nothing to change this man's mind, not in a mere hour, no. And the only thing, I realized, that I could do was to pray. And few times have I really prayed for something. Few times have I realized the magnitude of what was needed. I wanted change for this man so much. I did not have anything to give. I could not offer any practical suggestions. I was very much at a loss for words. I could do nothing for him, but to listen. I realized too that listening I could not even do well, since I could not hear him parts of the time. There is so much to pray for. There is everything to pray for. If we prayed for everything in the world that needs praying, there'll be no end to prayer. David said it'll take more than a miracle to change him. Having been saved by God, I no longer doubt God's greatness. I do not doubt God's ability. I believe in miracles. But I do pray that God is willing...that it is indeed in His plan to save him. Everything in God's time, right? I pray that until the day God meets him just where he is, David will continue to hold onto the hope he has. I hope he gets his miracle. I really, really do.

There is everything to be thankful for. There is everything to pray for. If we really understood the urgency of the matter, we'd realize that there is so much, so much to be done. And that even giving all of ourselves may not be enough, so how can we give any less?


- rena

Why Diakanos Exists

Hey Diakanos,

I know it's not my turn to post because I already posted just a week or two ago but I just wanted to share this one experience Renna and I had just tonight. I think it'll remind us once again why Diakanos exists.

Well, before we left for Center City, (as you guys can recall) we first prayed for the night. When Katherine led us to pray for anyone in particular that we might meet again at the park, I recalled David whom I met only once before. David is actually not homeless but he always hangs around at Love Park. While I just found out tonight that it's because he extremely hates the people in his house, what concerned me most was that he was in active rebellion against God. During that one time I met him, he told me that there was no changing him, that regardless of whether God existed and loved David, there was nothing that David wanted to or could do but to continue living until death, and move on into eternity in Hell. So I prayed for David's soul that he might be saved from otherwise certain Hell that he himself seemed to know about all too well.

In that moment of prayer, I first admitted to how I really do not have an ounce of control over saving his fate, his soul, and bringing about miraculous salvation; as a college student I have no social work training for any practical counseling as well. I simply prayed that in my powerless nature God would manifest Himself and do something Himself, because He was and is the only one who can. I think that attitude and prayer were the critical steps to God's using me as a vessel to open up more of David's heart tonight.

I didn't see David when I got there and ended up talking with Crystal to Franklin, a recent homeless. A little while in, though, I was surprised to see Katherine call me over and tell me that David wanted to see me. I walked across the park to find him talking with Renna while he stood waiting for me. I was at first very surprised to hear him ask if I was "alright." I only met him once before, and that encounter wasn't very effective in terms of ministry on my part. But he had a look of genuine interest and friendship in his eyes. Next, he talked about his problems that deserve a whole different blog post in of itself but after that he told me how he feels his heart slowly changing every time he sees me, us, Diakanos, ministering to him at the park. I praised God for answering a part of my prayer just earlier when I heard that inch closer to God but in addition to that, it was that moment that really hit the spot for me. I realized once again just why we Diakanos exists.

Although we can't necessarily take them out of homelessness, and although our bagged lunches are more of snacks to their daily diet of other free food and soup kitchen food, we bring something greater to them. We bring them the saving and life-changing Love of Jesus Christ that no amount of money and therapy can bring about. I was experientially and all too vividly reminded of that fact when once again I saw plain evidence of God's Love slowly but steadily and gradually changing hearts, and in particular, David's rebellious heart. Moreover, I saw that all the more personally when David told me how ministers like Diakanos, including me, kept him going. I thanked God for using me then to minister to David, through me.

Although not all homeless people will be thankful or changed by Diakanos' works through God's power, it is a fact that some have, are, and will continue to be brought from death into life. This is why we exist, to be not only children communing and growing in personal relationship with God, but also to use our growth primarily for the purpose of being the Jesus for this World, that Jesus Christ Himself was for it as well. This is why we exist, to exist not only for personal growth and betterment of just ourselves and our cliques at Church, but also for the salvation of this World that matters just as much, if not more, to God as does one part of His body.

I just want to encourage you all that God is using us to save lives, and that such miracles are happening despite our weaknesses. And I just want to praise you all by saying that such miracles are happening through our weaknesses because we have opened up our hearts as living sacrifices for God.

But as sinners, we still hold onto idols and there is still a lot of baggage, blockage, and walls that prevent God from doing more through us. Let us pray for our own hearts that we would be willing to sacrifice our desire for physical comfort, security, and other aspirations for what rots and inevitably disappears, that we would be in complete surrender and union with God's Will. Only then can we cease to question whether God is really working sometimes. Only then can we be in a spiritual position to finally begin to constantly experience (without previously necessary revivals) the unfailing ceaseless works and the Glory of God in this World.

Your Brother,

Elliot

God

Hey all, this is Elliot. I'm sure most of you current servants know who I am as I served in Diakanos last year but I'm back again for this summer and beyond God willing. Then again, it's not who I am that's important but who we are in Christ.

Let us remember that we are, as GCC often says "tools", but at the same time we are a ton of other things for God as well. The Bible calls us something along the line of tools but also vessels, temples, slaves, sheep, dust, etc etc. Let that humble us and let that perspective never depart from the way we look at one another and ourselves because we are finite humans and sinners. And yet, let us not consider ourselves too useless as with an omnipotent God as our God we have infinite potential to be tools and vessels to impact significant improvements and additions for the Kingdom of God that is in creation and is to be made complete when the time is right.

For the past week, I think God gave me a conviction to become more convicted that all things are possible through Him when it's for Him. Sometimes we lack the faith and more critically the heart to believe that God can really do anything significant in these peoples lives.

I know that when I'm trying to share the love and gospel of Christ to atheist homeless people it's hard to continue when they so coldly and outrightly reject the love, let alone existence, of God. But it's wrong to be discouraged completely by that because we know that although we are powerless to move hearts, God is powerful to cause miracles. I even saw this miracle in my closest childhood friend completely addicted to drugs and alcohol and more critically completely agnostic and rebellious. When I saw him turn 180 degrees to become one of the most passionate and powerful missionaries I know I realized that God's miracles do happen even today.

Knowing that our God is capable of preforming those miracles, I think we have reason to believe that those we minister to can be completely changed in such a way as well. And in faith in what the Word teaches us, our powerful God is Willing to do just that and more through us if only we earnestly ask Him to do that through the vessels of Christ that we are.

But in order to be effective tools for God, I think we need to open our hearts to that. If we partially close our hearts, doubt enters, faith diminishes, and what's worse is that we partially don't allow God to use us to work those incredible miracles. If only we completely open up our hearts to God will our hearts be clear, transparent, open, and wide channels for God to pour out more of his power and miracles all the more. Let us open up our hearts, and if we can't, pray that we can.

To go along with that, I think what's all the more important to make that happen is simply our personal relationship with Christ. If we are lukewarm Christians, we will only have lukewarm fruits that aren't really efficacious in creating serious impact in those around us. Thus we need to be not lukewarm but zealous Christians. More accurately, we need to be children of God who constantly seek, adopt, and depend on His grace, mercy, love, and power daily. We need to be believers whose every motive and desire revolve around what He wants and values. Some people say that's impossible or takes a lifetime to get to that state of belief. But I want to tell you right now that that happened to those around me and it can happen to us because God is a loving God of miracles who wants to make the most of our lives to create the greatest impact for His Kingdom as much as possible. God does not want us to waste our time simply trying. He wants us to be like His Son right now to work for His Kingdom right now. If only we are completely open and willing to risk all of ourselves for His miraculous power to change our lives...to become all the more wholehearted and joyful servants for His Kingdom.

This is all to say that although our purpose as Diakanos servants is to spread the love of God and evangelize to them through our good works, the strength that will make us most effective and true to God will be our personal relationships with God and the relationship we have with God as a body of Christ. So let us not diminish the importance of our own spirituality and connection with Christ while trying to make disciples of all nations.

I think a practical way to apply this would be to hold longer prayer time before we go out to Diakanos. If we start on time on the dot at 6, and if we finish making the food shortly after, then we'll have more time to pray before we go out. Today we had a lot of time left over. If we use that time to pray instead before we go out, I think we would have better hearts to better serve through.

Some of the things we ought to pray for is simply to be more open to God's potential and to do that to pray that we lose the fear of losing idols that we still hold dear to our hearts that define our identities and give us security. Let's pray that we can sacrifice our bodies and our idols, that we can be willing to give them up everyday any day in order to become more Christlike and thereby more powerful agents, passionate and more joyful servants of God who can perform wonders for His Kingdom.

I don't want to make this about putting on a grand show. What I do want to make this about is the fact that there are too many lost people out there that needs to be taken into the arms of God, and that there aren't enough of us to do them, and that we can do so much more, saving so many more people out of His affection, if only we become more Christlike servants who are willing to deny themselves completely, pick up the Cross, and be willing to follow God wherever that may be despite our current treasures and circumstances.

I will pray about this more everyday and I hope that you guys can join me in this desperation.

Love, your brother under Christ,

Elliot

The Best In Me

Well, this is pretty neat. I mean blogging. Anyways, this blog will actually be somewhat similar to what I posted in facebook earlier this week. However, I really want to say that I had a very blessed time going out on Monday. Brother Elliot and I were talking to a woman in the park and she talk about wanting to go to college I immediately said that she should do it if that is what she wants to do. It's not too late to do it. But I also loved the fact that she was willing to share so much of her story with us. Tidbits of her family life, her wanting to go to college. In that instant, I thought "Wow!" She not that much different from us college kids. I sometimes wonder if we bother to even think that our brothers and sisters out in love park could really have dreams and aspirations to want better. Well, I know the answer to that question is Yes!! However, I think that we stay in our Christian bubbles so long that we fear stepping outside of those boundaries and really pouring out our love to others.

That is a struggle that I do face almost daily. To step outside boundaries in order to make a difference in the lives of others. This is something that I pray about because I know that my growth is being stagnated by my fears. I pray that I will be more like Jesus and to love the people that society and even, dare I say, the Christian Church has told me not to love. God is love and he sees the best in all of us. Think about it, why would God send his only son into this earth to die for our sins if he did not love us. And let's not forget, even those who persecuted Jesus were the same people that Jesus died for. So here's hoping that those in love park as well as those who are in poverty around the country and in the world will receive the message of God's love for us.

P.S. I still have doubts and jitters about going to diakonos every Monday but I really think that I am getting better at it with God's help.

McRefugee

hey diakonos! it's been a while!

i wanted to share a quick story from china (hong kong, to be specific). one night while we were in hong kong, sol and i got locked out of the place we were staying, and as a result, we had to find a place to spend the night. as a result, we found refuge at a mcdonald's in the center of the city. it was a humbling experience, sitting at a table alongside others who were "homeless," nervous that the employees would kick us out at any moment.

with that said, i learned a valuable lesson about what we own. the truth is that everything can be taken away from us, from our money to our shelter (in my case, temporarily). i can attest that during those times, we are forced to recognize what we rely on, whether it's our Heavenly Father or worldly possessions.

i thank God that he will never leave me or forsake me, He has prepared a room for me in His Kingdom.